dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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