Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I'm passing your future prison.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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