the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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