i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I need to stop coming to work sober
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Randomize
