I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Send help, water and tortillas.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I supernannyed him into submission
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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