if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
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