You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
