yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
