Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
