He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
