Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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