i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Randomize
