Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
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