The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
