I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
