We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
