I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
