I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
