Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
