if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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