so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
