mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
you will always have a special place in my vag
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
