I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
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