There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I love you.
Bad choice
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize