I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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