I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize