my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
