I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
