Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
