I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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