My room smells like vodka and shame
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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