Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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