The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
i am a beautiful darrk chocolate womann
honey you're def caucasian
i am a beautiful white cholcllate woman.... Z
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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