remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
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