i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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