....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize