So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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