Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
