Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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