first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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