Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
