Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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