I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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