Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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