when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Rumble strips road head = magical
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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