HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
