Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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