i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
