Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
