five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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