im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
