she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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