when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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