Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
