I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Randomize
