i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I'm too high and old for this...
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
