Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
