so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
