ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
